I have shared much of my physical journey, but have not really discussed my emotional healing. I bought 2 sets of medical scrubs before the trip, as they would be loose and comfy. It occurred to me when they came, that it was a metaphor; I am the Dr of my health and I am taking responsibility for it. I am supported by a chosen team of specialist committed to my healing which also includes the psychological healing in my recovery. By neglecting my emotional needs, I now have been forced to reflect on them. This requires me to evaluate the possibility that my cancer returned and manifested itself into my life through my thoughts and feelings.
I am a big believer that I am what I focus on. My thoughts become my reality, however I really had not considered this with cancer before. The spa has a counselor as part of the program in their approach to the holistic healing. My meetings with him have made me aware there is research to substantiate that emotions/feelings do play a part in creating the environment where cancer can grow. I am hoping I will learn more about the correlation over the next couple of weeks.
There is some truth in this idea. Last night was one of those nights where a series of unchecked thoughts led to an eruption of anger. Frustration with my nutrition and lack of control of my life, I entertained the idea that it would just be easier to quit. These are normal emotional responses to stressful situations, however they should never be left unchallenged.
I had failed to refocus my attention on the things that did improve; I finished a whole meal that night, being grateful I had found this place and the little wins of progress that I had achieved that day.
We are taught anger is a bad emotion, I don’t consider it either good or bad, only as an opportunity to evaluate and use it to channel or change my attitude. Then make new choices or accept them as is and find peace and acceptance.
I have been reflecting on the 30lbs of muscle I have lost, the fact that I could now feel my humorous bone is not very funny. I found myself wondering how will I ever be able to recover from this? Faced with a future of uncertainty, combined with enduring 4 months of insomnia and 2 months of constant itching, I had become a bundle of raw nerves…a pressure cooker needing an outlet.
This is the ugly part of being persistent… having to sometimes deal with anger bubbling out at 3am, with nowhere to direct the energy except to turn it on myself. I took a deep breath, prayed that this soon will pass and asked for help. When I finally asked the nurse for something that would help with the insomnia, I was able to get a few hours of sleep and face the day with a new attitude. I also realized that in the end, anger was just an emotion alerting me to a problem that needed a solution. It was not necessarily a dark side of recovery…anger is nothing more than just a tool to be used in my healing and recovery and finding my way through to a resolution.
Please pray that the stent surgery scheduled for tomorrow takes place and is successful. Thank you for your prayers and love.