Yesterday turned into one of the days that reminded me that I need to learn to live again. My return home to the living is quickly approaching. It’s not that I received any bad news, but I started yesterday off with only 5 hours of restless sleep. Exhausted and hungry after coming off the high of a full nights sleep from the day before, seemed to compound my frustration. I searched for something positive to focus on. Exploring the ways I felt better, I gave thanks for the opportunity to be here and all of your prayers, yet I could not seem to find my peace or faith.
I have been here more than 2 weeks, yet I still have 2 things that I don't feel significantly better about. I am still not processing food well, nor do I have much energy. These are paramount in my progress of returning to the things I like to do. I want the energy to fly fish, ski and hike without feeling winded… it was always about the quality of my life. I knew this journey would not be easy; it’s not a quick fix. I knew I would have to search deep within to pull myself through the dark days.
Dedicating the next 3 months to continue what I have learned here and take it with me in a less extreme form. Learning to trust God and walking in faith towards a future that I cannot see.
Yesterday, I decided to skip my last two treatments and walked across the street to the boardwalk. I sat down on a platform of an abandoned life guard tower, watching the waves roll in. People were playing in the surf … the world was moving forward with or without me… indifferent of my condition or emotional suffering. A family finished packing up and began tossing pieces of tortilla into the air. Soon there were more that 50 birds hovering in the wind like a living, breathing winged kite following them up the beach. It was mesmerizing watching it soar in its own unique form, something I've never seen before. It reminded me of the possible freedom that I will experience in time. A new freedom to fly and soar through adversity
My self-doubt seeping into my soul, questioning my decisions. I am only certain that I have chosen the right path… God is with me so where is this doubt coming from? I could see San Diego to the north behind the boarder wall, like the wall between my faith.
Questioning the sentence that I was given and the way in which it was received, I had to accept it or fight harder. These exist within the power of my choices. It's where reality and expectations collide. I have seen these plateaus before. I think we all have when doing something new. Only a sustained effort to push through, will we find out what's possible. We continue to push forward and not quit just because it becomes difficult. In the end it untilmately raises our bar. It's necessary to keep your faith in order to break through these plateaus. Instead of waiting for a miracle my faith creates them.
I have seen small miracles everyday while here. An older gentleman who came here a week ago, in a wheelchair, walked up the stairs today. Many of the original warriors that arrived when I did left today… each with there own recovery story still in progress. Leaving with having stopped their tumors from growing and having successfully cut off the blood supply to their tumors. Their journey continues with the sense of hope and faith that the next 3 months they will witness more miracles. It is inspiring and reminds me to keep counting on God. He is working on it. Your prayers are manifesting physically in my life. My only job is to take action, continue to believe and continue in faith that it is working and tomorrow is another day to witness my own healing.
“I used to believe that prayer changes things, but now I know that prayer changes us and we change things.” - Mother Teresa
Through my prayers, I have survived another day only to find the energy I was looking for this evening in a bowl of bean soup… not tasty, but filling and I know I will be ok. Trusting that God's strength is within me and I can trust him.
Knowing I am not alone in this journey… thank your for your prayers, love and support. I could not do this without you.