It’s a hot time on a Saturday night somewhere in Tijuana, just not here at the spa. Not a lot of energy here as the reduced weekend staff just doesn’t have the same vibe as the weekday ones and you can feel it. Maybe it comes from being ushered from treatment to treatment only on the weekends, just doesn’t give you enough time to really get to know them. Whatever it was today, it has made it difficult to come up with a theme for tonight's blog. There were many random, but notable thoughts that filled my head during my treatments. But one really stood out.
Let’s start off with the biggest news; I slept through the night!! Well, I woke up twice, but went right back to sleep. This is a major milestone in my healing. It will help accelerated my recovery, reduce my cortisol levels, restore my energy, and stop using my muscle for energy. To give you some idea how long it has been since I have had a full night of sleep, I would have to back to September. This is also a massive step in my mental health. Having to fight so long with the fatigue and negative emotions, has taken its toll on me. I know its just one night, but I hold onto this, that it will evolve into a normal and constant sleep pattern of someone who is well down the path of recovery. Then Saturday’s special breakfast of buckwheat banana pancakes with honey and 2 eggs over easy… gave me the energy to hit my treatments with enthusiasm.
During my light therapy I hit shuffle on my iTunes playlist since I can’t read anything because of the intensity of the lights. Mostly, I just lay there and meditate during hour, but today I decided to play some music and this song came on.
You’re shattered
Like you never have before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breath it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there any more
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Danny Gokey – Tell Your Heart to Beat Again
Aside from the profound words and emotional truth of where I am today, it resonates about loss and letting go of yesterday. I live in the moment, yet I caught myself trying to rebuild my life the way it used to be. Is rebuilding the way I used to be really living in the moment? Maybe the appeal is just to return to normality, however there are definitely parts I would change. What if it is not something I need to rebuild, but what if it is to be reimagined?
I thought about all the things that I wanted to return home to. A comfortable bed, getting outside, eating normally, wearing something other than scrubs, and not living out of a suitcase. Not having a nurse managing my time and eating more than a bowl of mushrooms for lunch. There was one thing that really struck me was how I imagined celebrating with friends and family upon my return. Normally, I would have drinks and food to celebrate, but that will change dramatically, and no I will not eat impossible burger … you cannot convince me that a highly processed plant burger is better for your health than a highly processed meat burger. So what does my celebration look like?
I thought about how in my old world, I would celebrate… normally grilling steaks, having a drinks, engaging conversations, but two of those things will never be the same. So how do I reimagine celebrating my new life?
Adversity is a time to reevaluate your objectives, goals and priorities. It is when something gets destroyed we want to rebuild it… maybe we feel we don’t have any other choice. It's not even possible to replace everything. So we are settling for less when we rebuild to just good enough. We become inspired when we reimage what changes are possible… a whole world of new choices waiting to be explored.
If I want another 10 years of life, I cannot return to my old ways. I must always be moving forward, growing and learning. Transformation is not rebuilding the old, it is re-imagining what is possible, what can be improved. I think we fail to reach our full potential by thinking how to rebuild our lives.
Through adversity is where we find it. A gift that will take you ever higher. It is just a decision… stay my course and the outcome is known, change my course and my future has options. Yes, it is uncertain, but I think I would rather have uncertainty in my life, than a predictable outcome that I didn’t feel like I had any control over.
Thank you for all the love and prayers...they are working!!